Spider-Man 3 The Game Requirements
SM3

Spider-Man 3 is awesome. On PS3 and 360. PC on the other hand is one jinormously bad port. The second you pop in to the game you can tell that it really wasn't coded to be played on the PC. The maximum framerate you can ever have in any situation is 30, because the game caps it at that. Like I said, it's a port, and if you play anything on a console at more than 30 frames a second it will blow up your television and make your cousin pregnant.

When it comes to bad frame rates in games, usually the first thing to do is turn down some graphics options. So I did that. Turned off extra filters and lowered the resolution. If anything it actually got worse. Turning the res back up and enabling the filters actually got me a better framerate (as much "better" 30 can be).

30 frames isn't bad. In fact it's quite playable. Until you do anything other than stand around scratching yourself. I swing around town and do amazing tricks and stare at the beautiful HDR lighting (one of the few games to actually do it nicely) and amazing scenery and all the while it wavers between 25 and 30. Not bad. Fighting brings it down to around the late teens to early twentys. Boss fights tend to be painfully slow and don't even TRY going underground. The second you enter the subway for some reason it shoots down to 5-10 FPS. What is so painfully intensive underground? Whatever it is it slows Spidey to (wall)crawl.

sm3-roflcopter
ROFLCopter

Speaking of The Subway, whats up with the music down there? It's like they tried to emulate the echoy dullness of the underground but all they ended up with was horribly distorted noise. When I first went down there I thought it was loud rock music being played by the Apocalypse gang, of whom I was sent in to slaughter. Unfortunately not.

For that extra bit of interactivity, the game includes Interactive Cut-Scenes. Horrible technology that has been around since the days of Donkey Kong. I hate these things. Maybe it's because I have no hand-eye co-ordination, but I think it's more because when I see a cut-scene start I expect to put the controller down and watch this vividly entertaining piece of machinmatic cinema. Then a large SPACEBAR appears over the Cut-Scene and I think, "What?".

Kingpin
Kingpin

Maybe the Interactive Cut-Scenes work well on the consoles, but on PC they are just plain mean. You have no way of predicting which button it will prompt you to press next and they flash on the screen for a very short time before Spider-Man dies because you failed to press the correct button. The buttons range from your standard movement keys: WSAD, the advanced movement keys, Q and E, buttons I didn't even know the game recognised like Left Shift, Right Shift and the Controls, the numbers 1-4 and then the mouse keys, Left Click, Right Click and Middle Click.
So whenever a cut-scene starts I'm holding both hands over the keyboard, ready to press any of those buttons, and I have my leg over the mouse in case they throw one of those at me.
This coupled with the horrible frame rate means quite often you have to press each key a few times just to make it sure it got through. If you press it when it skips a frame it disregards your input as non-constructive criticism.

Now I'm up to the final battle of all time and I'm up against Sandman and guess what? The whole battle is determined by those stupid cut-scenes. And for some reason every time they start I get a big cross over the screen saying I pressed the wrong button, regardless of whether I actually pressed a button or not. So essentially I'm stuck.

Another thing I would like to complain about is the fact that the hidden tokens that you (don't really) have to collect aren't highlighted when you use your spidey-sense. I figured the tokens would be one of the very few things the spidey-sense is good for.

By the way, I copyright that image for all time over all the universe for ever and ever amen. It took me a whole half an hour to edit that.
Also, I feel that I should say that I played this on XP, to make sure the bad framerate wasn't Vista. It wasn't. It's just as bad in XP.